FINDING THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE

Over the last few months, I have found myself talking to some of my single friends about finding the love of your life, the conversations have ranged from negative views about giving up on ever finding love to positive views on being hopeful about finding love. As we have chatted through the months, it has been on my mind to share a little from my journey as a married woman and a relationship counsellor.

My Story
I grew up in a large blended family, mum and dad remarried after their first marriages broke up. I inherited six older siblings from dad and four from mum, their remarriage resulted in myself and two younger siblings. Growing up, I did not really have a positive view of marriage both from my observations at home and even in the society I grew up in, it seemed to me at the time that marriage was weighted in favour of men and came with a lot of dysfunction. This view unbeknown to me, was deeply buried in my subconscious mind, throughout my twenties I had a disposition that if I did get married and it did not work out I would look after my children and could do without a man, so I worked hard at ensuring that I had a good job which would lead to financial independence. So, you can imagine my shock when I became a Christian and found out that my view about marriage was at odds with my beliefs.

Phew!! It required a radical shift in my approach to relationships, men and marriage. The more I learnt and grew on my faith journey and encountered several good role models in marriage, the more I realised that God’s design and perspective on marriage is good. Marriage done God’s way could be a great source of joy and fulfilment so one could aspire to have a good marriage. Seventeen years on, I am so grateful that I faced my fears with the help of God and godly mentors and my worst fears about getting married never materialised. So, what did I learn about finding and choosing the love of my life?.

Do not let a fear of being alone drive your decision to get married. It is good to wait to meet someone who shares your faith, values and beliefs. I have seen people driven by the fear of being alone, make a lifetime decision too quickly resulting in heartache and broken dreams.

Be friendly – I personally believe that being friendly and kind can make room for you. You never know where kindness will take you. It might lead you to marriage or a friendship that could lead you to the love of your life. Cultivate a friendly demeanour, not every potential admirer will end up being your spouse but the way you treat them could affect your search.

Be Open – Marriage is not the way it is envisioned or projected in rom coms, that is usually for a make belief world. Good things come in unrecognised packages. Letting go of an idealised notion of relationships and past relationships is important. This is so that you can have what is best for you rather than what you think you need. My husband did not come in the package that I envisaged but thank God for godly counsel and married friends who saw what I could not see and shared their wisdom with me. Looking back, I realise that he was all that I needed all along, but my brokenness meant I did not recognise him as the gift from God at the time. It is great to have all those feelings, sensations, excitement and elation but your decision cannot be based on these alone, there is a lot more to keeping a marriage and building one that will last a life time.

Be Wise – Love is blind, and it is important to not allow love to be stirred before its time, meaning get the right counsel and guard your heart so that you do not fall in love without ensuring it is the right person. Once you have given in, it is difficult to be objective as the heart is not so smart. Get to know the person you are courting, make intelligent decisions, think about what you want from the relationships, watch and observe their interactions with you and others, their behaviours, actions, words and deeds. Let your courting period be coloured with excitement but also ensure it is tempered with wisdom and observations and awareness.

Be content – If you are courting and wishing for your prospective to be a certain way than they are, don’t believe that you can change them. This will lead to a life of frustration, no one can change you neither can you change anyone, only God can. If you are constantly trying to measure up and they are too, it is obvious this is a mismatch and it will ultimately result in heartache. You are meant to feel comfortable in your relationship, don’t be so desperate that you ignore the obvious and warning signs. You are valuable and worth much more than settling for less.

Be Honest – Sometimes experiences from the past can cause you to be guarded, please be careful that you don’t project issues from your previous relationships into the new one. Don’t belittle yourself by pretending to be who you are not, anything built on lies will eventually crumble, however what is built on truth will stand. Let your true self show and you will end up with the one who loves and accepts you for you.

Be Brave – Courtship will bring up differences which may result in conflict. Conflict is not a bad thing so don’t run away at the first sign of conflict, what matters is your approach to it. Courtship offers the opportunity t deal with issues as they come up and as difficult as they can be do not shy away from them. Conflicts offer opportunities to get to know each other more, understand each other more and grow and learn about each other, however is there is constant conflict, you need to be cautious and care needs to be taken.

I came across the write up below at a friend’s wedding many years ago and had it on my wedding programme as it depicts the right mindset about marriage.

Marriage is Like a Box
“Most people get married believing a myth that marriage is a beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for: companionship, intimacy, friendship, etc. The truth is that marriage at the start is an empty box. You must put something in before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage. Love is in people. And people put love in marriage. There is no romance in marriage. You have to infuse it into your marriage. A couple must learn the art and form the habit of giving, loving, serving, praising; keeping the box full. If you take out more than you put in, the box will be empty.” – Author unknown

I pray that as you prepare and wait on God for marriage, you will be guided by Him and that He will fill you with the knowledge of His will for you in marriage In Jesus Name.